Tribute To My Late Grandma 3: Her Last Struggles

The last instalment of my grandma's tribute.. I actually procrastinated for almost a year! Scary..

Tomorrow my family's gonna visit her again.. Time really really flies, with a blink of an eye, 1 and a half years had already past since she left us.. Here are some of what i can remember that happened.. Might be incoherent, but decided that it's better than not journalling it at all...

I didn't feel anything at all when i heard the news from my dad that she got cancer, lung cancer.. And she was already at her terminal stage.. Probably couldn't last for more than 6 months. Couldn't bring myself to believe it.. Somehow felt that it wasn't real.. It was only a few days later that it sinked into me..

At the beginning, things seemed to be going well for her.. She was prescribed medicine and her body seems to be taking in it well. 8 months passed, without any signs of the fatal illness at all..except frequent coughs. Everyone was hopeful and hoped for miracle that she can actually get well..

Until one day, she was admitted to the hospital.. I can't remember the actual reason... But i went to see after work with a bunch of daisies.. I was pretty busy with work then that i didn't visit her for a few months. When i reached there, the first thing i noticed was how thin and frail she was. My grandma had always been a plump, big-sized and strong woman.. I was shocked by the huge difference. When i presented to her my flowers, she immediately beamed with great joy.. Like a little girl receiving presents.. That's how much she loved me and yearning for me to visit her. I was pretty guilty at that point of time, that i didn't visit her as much as she wanted me to. Upon chatting with her, the next thing i noticed was that her voice was barely audible.. She used to speak with great looming voice...

The hospital incident seemed to be the first signal to her ordeal ahead. The next few months happened very quickly as she grew weaker and weaker rapidly day by day. Every week, her body functions would deteriorate by a bit. It was like, this week she was able to walk, the next week she had no strength and need the support of the wheelchair. Two weeks later, she had no strength to stand - we had to lift her when she needs to relieve herself. The following week, she was bedridden. Finally she had no strength to sit or eat, she had to survive via tube-feeding . That was the kind of pace we faced. It was heartbreaking every time we visited her. The only thing i could do is to talk to her, cheer her up, crack jokes with her, despite what i felt.

During her stay at our place, i brought for a walk in her wheelchair below our block, thinking she would like a bit of sunshine after weeks of being confined at home. However her medication made her drowsy easily.. And she fell asleep pretty quickly.

My grandma loved food, and she loved the times my dad brought her to restaurants or coffeeshops to eat zhi char. During her days when she couldn't swallow solid food, only porridge and cereal, she yearned for us to bring her to enjoy good food again. On that day, she whined like a child, wanting us to bring her to the coffeeshop. It was understandable, as she was confined to my aunt's home for few months without having a chance to go out. My dad thought it was very difficult to bring her, since we have to carry her wheelchair two stories down before there's a lift (at that time not all hdb lifts land on every floor), and didn't want to bring her. Thought that she was being wilful and unreasonable, and he wanted to leave for home. At that time, I was pretty angry, here she was, at her final stages and not many opportunities to do what she wanted, all the inconvenience shouldn't matter as much as fulfilling her last wishes. I argued with him and told him i was prepared to bring her on my own even if he doesn't want to.

Finally he relented. We brought her to the nearby coffeeshop. That day it was the first time in days or even weeks, that she seemed stronger and in better health. In fact it was also the first time she actually swallowed solid food! We were surprised that her voice also came out stronger than in the few weeks when she could barely talk. With a voice strong and clear, she told us adamantly, like a child, in a few words in Hokkien, "This is what i liked, I like to eat like this" gesturing everyone in the family, implying that she liked to have meals in a big family setting. And she finished the whole plate of rice with fish, vegetables and even some meat! I knew I made the right decision by going with my heart and fighting for her to have what she wanted.

As i mentioned many times recently in life, i hate regrets, i don't want anyone to have regrets either. I think that's probably the saddest thing in the world - Not trying at all to fight for what you want or what you think is right. In the end, once the moment passed, you'll never ever find out what would have happened, spend your life thinking about what would have happened, or live a life without being truly happy as you know things are not going exactly the way you wanted it to be, that it could have been better if you've acted in time.

I was glad that I had no regrets after my grandma passed away, I knew i had tried my best to accompany her and given her the best in my knowledge to please her and make her last journey comfortable. I spent 2-3 times a week to visit her, talking to her and joking with her as much as I could, updating her about my daily life, hugging her, brought our old photos and reliving to her about the past. Probably my only small regret was that I wasn't with her during her last minutes - she passed away at 4.30pm in the evening, everyone was at work. Only the maid was with her when she left. By then she was already in a state of coma, and left with a sudden last breath before her lungs failed completely. When i reached, her body was already cold, her expression was peaceful though. My tears jus spilled like nobody's business. Later the caretaker came, they simply wrapped her in the big nylon bag roughly and carried her to the truck below to be sent for processing for the funeral. I was so shocked that the grandma i respected and loved so much was treated in such a rough manner... Tears couldn't help but spilled even more..

She was really a strong-willed woman, she fought for survival even until the very end. During her last days when she could no longer talk, and she couldn't even have strength to close her eyelids..She's also starting to see things.. It was really heartbreaking. Don't know if it affects her, but a few days before she left, I told her, "Ah ma, your life has been good so far, nothing for you to worry anymore..."

Gonna visit her later~ :)

Penpal

I was clearing my drawers today and decided to finally dispose of all old my letters which I haven't gone through over the past few years...

I had a penpal during my primary school days.

She was actually my best friend when I was P5, but later she had to transfer school end of P5 as her family moved to Woodlands (my primary school was in Clementi area).

In order to stay in contact, we started writing to each other then. We created nicknames for each other. She was Thumbelina and I was Cinderella (well I guess Disney was still the trend those days haha). We often update each other about school, family and the challenges we faced. We'll always write our letters on scented or colourful paper, and decorate our letters with little stickers

It was 2-3 exchanges of letters in the first 2 months, then 2-3 exchanges in the next 6 months and finally 2-3 exchanges in a year. That maintained for 7 years, I was shocked to realised it only today.

After that, we met each other at NUS few years back. Was real happy to see her at first, thought we can catch up with old times and everything will be like the old days. But after a few conservations, I realised the feeling was no longer like the past when we readily shared everything together.

I suppose feelings have changed after all these years, and I still felt an overwhelming sense of nostalgia when I think about the old times and read the old letters, but I suppose we all have to move on.

I suippose sometimes being too sentimental and keeping too many items from the past carries too much emotional burden. I read the letters for the last time before I dropped them into the bag.



"I am worried that if I change school, would our relationship change?"
-First Letter from Thumbelina, 13 Nov, 1997

Tribute To My Late Grandma 2: Our Memories

Somehow today I started thinking about my grandma again, and can't help missing those old days together.


I would never forget how she always treated me like a princess, how she would always saved the chicken drumsticks for me, how she always iron my school uniform for me, comb my hair for me, and even let me share her bed with her.

I would never forget during my kindergarten days, how she brings me to school and fetches me home after school. She would then bathe me, cook simple lunch of porridge with fish, and sometimes Bubor Teriku as dessert.

I would never forget how she would always hold my little hand when we cross the roads, and how she would prepare and help me put on my raincoat when the weather turns dark.

I would never forget how she always give me a bottle of chicken essence for every exam paper I take, how she would always nag at me painstakingly to study hard, so that next time I can work in a comfortable air-con office.

I would never forget how she would always wake up early to iron my school uniform for me, prepare my breakfast for me, dress me up for school and bring me down to wait for the school bus. And she would always wait till I'm safely on the bus.

I would never forget the days when she brought me to the wet market whenever she needed her groceries, and I can tell you, she never fails to buy anything without haggling first. Earning money from her was never easy.

I would never forget how she used to take me to temples to pray for our family's safety, pray for my grades, pray for my dad. And afterwards, she would get the paper charms for us. Some for us to keep, some to burn and the ashes are added in our drinking water, which is supposed to be holy and we would get our prayers answered by drinking it.

I would never forget, especially how she supported me when I've to stay till midnight to finish my Chinese homework (till now I still have phobia of that Zhi Shi Hua Bao). She would promise to accompanied me by staying awake with me. And she would kill time watching her favourite Justice Bao, or sometimes Taiwan variety shows, and most of the time I would end up watching with her and discuss the shows with her. Sometimes when she fell asleep while watching, I would naughtily throw the pillows at her to make sure she kept her promise. She would wake up and chuckle.

I would never forget how I jokingly commented few days before my birthday that $20 was too little for my ang bao, and asked for $50 instead. I soon forgot about it and to my surprise, there really was a $50 note in my bday angbao.

There are so many memories of her.. She was definitely the best grandma any grandchildren would ever wish for, she loved, she cared, she protected, she encouraged and supported, and she's always there whenever she can. I was blessed to have her as my grandma, no one hsa ever loved me the way she does, I'll definitely miss her forever.


To be continued...

Tribute To My Late Grandma 1- Her History

I had on many occasions wanted to do a post on my late grandmother during the whole of last week but just didn't have the time to do it as we're all busy with her funeral and the documentations here and there. Time passed very very quickly. Quickly she became weaker and weaker, quickly she lost her ability to speak, her muscles... Quickly she left us without a word, quickly her funeral was over, and before I too quickly forget these strong feelings and memories I had for her, I better eternalise them here before they are gone too...

She was a fighter. A strong woman who never say die. However life doesn't seem to go easy on her. She lost her mom when she was barely 2. Her grandmother was very strict on her, scolding and hitting her for every minute mistake she made.

She was born in the 20s, a time when males are hailed and females are condemned. It was then a common trend for parents to only invest whatever little savings they have on their sons, it's a waste of resources for females to go to school, they're expected to help doing household chores instead. She was no exception. While we often find going to school a chore, complained of homework and teachers, she was never allowed to go to school, forbidden to step out of the house.

Japanese occupation came, she braved through that too. She hid from the Jap helicopters by smearing her face dirt, hiding in bushes, and even had to stop her breath when they circled above her and her other friends. There were 2 other close shaves she encountered with the Japs. Once she was hiding in the rice bin, and was caught by one of the soldiers, but luckily at that moment they were called back by their headquarters and she managed to escape. Another time she and 2 other girls were hiding in the house, probably in an attap house. Luck was definitely on my grandmother's side, but not for the other girl. That unfortunate girl was her neighbour and she was very pretty, even though she hid herself well and had covered herself with soot, the Jap soldiers somehow managed to uncover her, and find her attractive. And just like what we read in textbooks and saw in our dramas, they slapped her, tortured her, raped her and then finally silenced her. My grandmother witnessed this whole gruesome episode while she's still hiding in her place, not daring to make a sound.

Life turned better when she met my grandpa later. He was considered well-to-do, worked for the British as a clerk. Not many people knew English back then, and he was one of the rare few. I never knew how they met though, and I probably never will. Probably they knew each other through a matchmaker, or probably they were neighbours, but they did fall in love with each other and had 7 kids of their own, and 2 from my grandpa's previous marriage.

While he worked, my grandma singly took care of all her 7 children and all her household chores. It was not easy to provide all 7 with food, shelter, and education while trying to make ends meet. My dad was their 6th child, and the first son to give them a grandchild, a 内孙 they call it.

That's me.



To be continued...

M1 outing/ Kitaro anyone??

Just came back from a gathering with people whom I've lost contact since 6 years ago.

My arms a bit stiff now, but tennis had been fun~

The conversations were very entertaining, don't think I've laughed like that for so long.


As everyone shares their accounts, bits and pieces of the past came back, just like going through old photos of our history...

Our days at M1, JH's curtain/bowl hair and of course, our eva favourite Julie... Very memorable indeed... Keep up the good work JH. Enjoyed myself today~ :)


Anyway, on the side note, Kitaro is here for his tour concert!! Anyone interesteD?? So wanted to hear his live concert, but haven't found anyone so far.




Let me know if you are k...

Nite~

My butt hurts like no tomorrow... but I survived.

YT and I took part in this cycling@night event held by Senja-Cashew CC last Sat.

There were altogether about 170 ppl who participated, plus volunteers and organising comm, journey about 38.3km (though I suspected we did more than 40km), lasted from 8pm all the way till next morning 7am.

Yes you've read correctly, 11 crazy hours on the bike! All the way from Senja to East Coast Park!! Don't ask me why I joined, ask YT I just thought it would be simple cycling event at east coast, perhaps with some social events. And yeah, I'm dead wrong.



It started officially at 10pm, with all the 170 peeps lining up with their bikes, ready to go, everyone excited and all. It's really a grand atmosphere. What's more grand, is that later as we started on the road, there were police excorts leading the way and paving 1 whole lane just for us!! Woohoo.. you'll feel as important as the president sia.

"(the organiser) are friends with the MP is it..." someone from behind commented jokingly in Hokkien.

From Senja, to Bukit Batok, to Jurong, then to McDonald's at West Coast Park, where we had a pit stop with refreshments provided. The night breeze felt great as you ride along the roads. Everything was great at the start.

Not bad...for a young comm like Senja YEC to run this large scale event smoothhly. It's definitely no easy feat to rent more than 100 bikes, to liase with the traffic police, to get Sheng Shiong as sponsor, and also to get Dr Balakrishnan (though I don't remember seeing him at all) as GOH. Pretty impressed.

Ok after the pit stop, we were on the road again, along the road passing by Telok Blangah, Harbout Front and Sentosa, before we had another stop for toilet break.

By then, my legs are pretty tired already, and my butt also became sore after the 2+ hours of ride.

After that pit stop, everything was a blur, I can vaguely remember we stopped at several places for photos, like Esplanade, Fuliton Hotel, and Padang, where the countdown of YOG was held.

After which we made our way non-stop to ECP. At this point, my palms are sore with gripping the bike handle bars, my leg muscles are stiff with all that pumping of pedals (yea, the last time i exercised is actually half yr ago!), and worse of all.. my butt!! It hurts till the point when you dare not lift your butt from the seat, cos you know it'll hurt even more! And... I still barely see anything that looks like ECP.

After some time, we finally see the familiar roads of ECP, and far ahead I finally saw some familiar blinking lights of our fellow cyclists. Relieved and elated that we're nearing our finish line, there was a new-found energy. We cycled right ahead without stopping or slowing, but alas! our relief was short-lived. Those cyclists were merely taking a break, and before long, the blinking lights gets smaller and smaller, just like stars.. you can see them, but no matter how fast you cycle, you can never reach them...

My legs were not really happy about this, and they just refused to cooperate after that. No choice, I had to get down from my bike. (Owww.. my butt)

The break ended pretty soon, as we decided to end the torture quick. Cycle, cycle, cycle... AND WE FINALLY. REACH. THE. BIKE. RENTAL. SHOP!!!

OMG... omg.. my whole body aches like nobody's business, my butt hurts like no tomorrow... But I SurvivED!!! A Milestone has just been created. Woohoo.. yeah a major ONE indeed, cos I'll definitely NOT do it again if god forbids.


All in all, I felt really proud, though it's not like Olympics, not can it be called a marathon, but I'm still proud.. after all I cycled West to East leh, don't play play ah.. =)

.

Don't Ask.

Abuse & Neglect.

Never ever treat anyone you love with either, or even worse, both.

It hurts.

Post with a grumpy note

Hai, all my colleagues not free today, so i've to cover the recept now.

Well, not too bad, considering i can use tis time to blog and to surf the net.

Haha..

I'm here to complain again!!

Missed last sat's sentosa outing cos i had a fever.

Going to miss this sat's outing cos i've to work.

Going to miss CSC day AGAIN, cos i'm going to Genting with my family. CSC Day seems to clash with my schedule EVERY single year!

ARRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.................


Tiger year is supposed to be my year, but why it started off in such a bad taste? :S

2010~!! Hi I'm bacK!! ... to lament.

Ok i suppose half year's tribute is more enough huh... LOL..

Anyway happy 2010 to all of you who ever still check my blog to see if i'm alive.

Time flies really quickly, it's Tiger year now, my 2nd cycle already, a few more cycles to go before i ended up in dust. Hai...

Have to scrutinise into what i really want this year, in life i mean, not just this year. Anyway, my wishlist for this year...


1st thing on my list, is my job.

In many ways my job is fine.. the pay is fine, the jobscope can be said to be fine, welfare in terms of employee programmes and other benefits are fine, the people are nice too.. but... i still feel like i'm dragging myself to work everyday, can feel my energy being sapped away sia.

Perhaps it's the nature of the job i'm not passionate about, perhaps it's the age group of people which makes me unclickable (i only click wif special ppl), perhaps it's the burnt wkends i'm concerned about, perhaps it's my declining social life, sleep, and health (i'm sitting 90% of my time now) i'm totally worried about...

Yes perhaps i need a job change. But what kinda job? I need a job with a mix of young and old and preferably lots of hunky guys , a job where i can work as a team with rotating leadership roles, a job where i can do different stuff and learn different things everytime, a job with decent pay, a job where i can make a change to the community AND can see substantial results (not just picking litter/tuition a kid kind). Where does my passion lies and that can follow me through a lifetime? I don't know man. Been asking myself this question plenty of times till i got a headache and yet still no answer. But till i got an answer, i suppose i'm still stuck here. IF any of you have an advice or suggestion, please comment something (also to water my dying comment box).


Secondly, my social life.

The no. of young people i'm interacting with enjoys the same downturn together with the US economy after i left uni. And whatever close friends that remain, also got attached at the same period, and bonding time is now divided by 2 - the boy/girlfriend 90%, friend 10%. :'(

So this year, I hope i can meet more like-minded people whom I can click with, join more activities to know more people, hopefully gain a skill in the meantime.

Hopefully my job schedule allows me to do that.


Thirdly, i want to get my driving lisence this year.

Hopefully before my PDL expires in Feb . oops.


Fourthly(??), develop more good habits, such as exercising regularly.
Need an exercise buddy(ies) for this, anyone?? Weekly badminton/cycling sounds good for me, but try to keep it daytime, or i'll die of exhaustion.


Fifthly, new skills.

Maybe take up dancing once more, or take up 1 water sports course like windsurfing/canoeing/kayaking/wakeboarding etc... Anyone who's interested pls jio me too.


Sixthly, spend more time with family and visiting my grandma.


Seventhly, is to be a better person, treat others better if they deserve it. oops. Treat even better those who appreciates. :D


Eighthly, be updated - read more books, watch more news/ read more newspaper...


Ninthly, lose 20 kg (haha, as always)


Tenly, enjoy life at the very moment.:D



What about you? What is it that you want???




- The greatest tragedy in life is to spend your whole life fishing only to discover that it was not fish you were after....- Henry David Thoreau

Remember The Time Of Michael Jackson

First thing in the morning, i woke up at 6+am... " Michael Jackson has passed away. We have confirmed the pop star Michael Jackson has just passed away..." over and over again the news reporter kept saying, like a spoilt CD player.

I only slept 4 hours, and my dad had to watch Channel Newsasia so early in the morning!! :(( Secondly, one of my favourite pop singer is gone! 2 months ago, I chanced upon one of his songs and I xing xue lai chao, and read his bio on wiki and listen to all of his songs. Then later I heard that he's going to perform at concerts again, I was quite elated that he was going to chong chu jiang hu again after all these years. But as sudden as his return to the music industry, he went off just like that.

Hai... what a waste, I have always loved his songs and his dance moves, especially Moon Walk (of course). I remember when i was in my primary school days, I loved his "We Are The World" and "Heal the World". Would go write down (that time no printer) the lyrics and memorise by heart also.

Then later my parents bought his Dangerous Album, that's when i fall in love with his other titles too, like "Black or White", "Remember the Time" etc etc.. Although I don't really understand what's exactly going on in his personal life, or what he's actually thinking: bleaching himself, going for plastic surgery to look like half-freak, marrying women just because he loves children, makes his children wear veil all the time, displaying his baby by dangling him/her (i can't rem) out of the window sill, or even molesting children (still debatable tho); but his songs and dances really touches the core of my heart.

And despite all his scandals and weird behaviours, you must give him credit for his charitable heart. He donated generously and has raised millions of dollars through his foundation, and some of his songs are also for charity, appealing for a good cause. He regularly brings little children , especially the underprivilleged ones, to his theme park home as well..

In the music industry, he singly changed the pop culture on his own, invented many dance moves that are still popular even today (think moon dance, and robotic dance), no doubt the King of Pop. His songs are also so god damn popular, i think everyone must have heard most of his songs before (many rendtions of his songs by today singers), just that you might not know it's his songs. Ain't no sunshine, i just discovered today, was actually his song too!! He sang that when he was a child.



Will always remember him man.. The greatest music icon of all times.