Still Clearinig Stuff..

Didn't realise clearing my stuff isn't easy..

There's too much clutter just in my room. And too many stuff from the past.. A lot of them didn't even contains happy memories.. Wonder why i kept them for so long.. Lol..
Threw out half of my possessions today.. Really felt much lighter now that i have less belongings - less burden i would say.. Sometimes the more you keep, the heavier your mental burden. And you can't enjoy life it is due to these emotional baggages.. Took me so long to realise~ But oh well.. better late than never i guess. :)

Clearing Stuff

How much of the past should i keep with me? And how much do i need to reminisce?

I don't wish to lose any memories of the past, however I can't let the past deter me from living in the present and planning for the future. 

Life is too short.. and there're still so many things to learn and to experience in life!!  

How much of your past do you keep with you?

I suppose change is inevitable.. The more you resist, the more you can't keep up with the present~

As one friend said, the past doesn't matter.. The present is more important~ :)

Tribute To My Late Grandma 3: Her Last Struggles

The last instalment of my grandma's tribute.. I actually procrastinated for almost a year! Scary..

Tomorrow my family's gonna visit her again.. Time really really flies, with a blink of an eye, 1 and a half years had already past since she left us.. Here are some of what i can remember that happened.. Might be incoherent, but decided that it's better than not journalling it at all...

I didn't feel anything at all when i heard the news from my dad that she got cancer, lung cancer.. And she was already at her terminal stage.. Probably couldn't last for more than 6 months. Couldn't bring myself to believe it.. Somehow felt that it wasn't real.. It was only a few days later that it sinked into me..

At the beginning, things seemed to be going well for her.. She was prescribed medicine and her body seems to be taking in it well. 8 months passed, without any signs of the fatal illness at all..except frequent coughs. Everyone was hopeful and hoped for miracle that she can actually get well..

Until one day, she was admitted to the hospital.. I can't remember the actual reason... But i went to see after work with a bunch of daisies.. I was pretty busy with work then that i didn't visit her for a few months. When i reached there, the first thing i noticed was how thin and frail she was. My grandma had always been a plump, big-sized and strong woman.. I was shocked by the huge difference. When i presented to her my flowers, she immediately beamed with great joy.. Like a little girl receiving presents.. That's how much she loved me and yearning for me to visit her. I was pretty guilty at that point of time, that i didn't visit her as much as she wanted me to. Upon chatting with her, the next thing i noticed was that her voice was barely audible.. She used to speak with great looming voice...

The hospital incident seemed to be the first signal to her ordeal ahead. The next few months happened very quickly as she grew weaker and weaker rapidly day by day. Every week, her body functions would deteriorate by a bit. It was like, this week she was able to walk, the next week she had no strength and need the support of the wheelchair. Two weeks later, she had no strength to stand - we had to lift her when she needs to relieve herself. The following week, she was bedridden. Finally she had no strength to sit or eat, she had to survive via tube-feeding . That was the kind of pace we faced. It was heartbreaking every time we visited her. The only thing i could do is to talk to her, cheer her up, crack jokes with her, despite what i felt.

During her stay at our place, i brought for a walk in her wheelchair below our block, thinking she would like a bit of sunshine after weeks of being confined at home. However her medication made her drowsy easily.. And she fell asleep pretty quickly.

My grandma loved food, and she loved the times my dad brought her to restaurants or coffeeshops to eat zhi char. During her days when she couldn't swallow solid food, only porridge and cereal, she yearned for us to bring her to enjoy good food again. On that day, she whined like a child, wanting us to bring her to the coffeeshop. It was understandable, as she was confined to my aunt's home for few months without having a chance to go out. My dad thought it was very difficult to bring her, since we have to carry her wheelchair two stories down before there's a lift (at that time not all hdb lifts land on every floor), and didn't want to bring her. Thought that she was being wilful and unreasonable, and he wanted to leave for home. At that time, I was pretty angry, here she was, at her final stages and not many opportunities to do what she wanted, all the inconvenience shouldn't matter as much as fulfilling her last wishes. I argued with him and told him i was prepared to bring her on my own even if he doesn't want to.

Finally he relented. We brought her to the nearby coffeeshop. That day it was the first time in days or even weeks, that she seemed stronger and in better health. In fact it was also the first time she actually swallowed solid food! We were surprised that her voice also came out stronger than in the few weeks when she could barely talk. With a voice strong and clear, she told us adamantly, like a child, in a few words in Hokkien, "This is what i liked, I like to eat like this" gesturing everyone in the family, implying that she liked to have meals in a big family setting. And she finished the whole plate of rice with fish, vegetables and even some meat! I knew I made the right decision by going with my heart and fighting for her to have what she wanted.

As i mentioned many times recently in life, i hate regrets, i don't want anyone to have regrets either. I think that's probably the saddest thing in the world - Not trying at all to fight for what you want or what you think is right. In the end, once the moment passed, you'll never ever find out what would have happened, spend your life thinking about what would have happened, or live a life without being truly happy as you know things are not going exactly the way you wanted it to be, that it could have been better if you've acted in time.

I was glad that I had no regrets after my grandma passed away, I knew i had tried my best to accompany her and given her the best in my knowledge to please her and make her last journey comfortable. I spent 2-3 times a week to visit her, talking to her and joking with her as much as I could, updating her about my daily life, hugging her, brought our old photos and reliving to her about the past. Probably my only small regret was that I wasn't with her during her last minutes - she passed away at 4.30pm in the evening, everyone was at work. Only the maid was with her when she left. By then she was already in a state of coma, and left with a sudden last breath before her lungs failed completely. When i reached, her body was already cold, her expression was peaceful though. My tears jus spilled like nobody's business. Later the caretaker came, they simply wrapped her in the big nylon bag roughly and carried her to the truck below to be sent for processing for the funeral. I was so shocked that the grandma i respected and loved so much was treated in such a rough manner... Tears couldn't help but spilled even more..

She was really a strong-willed woman, she fought for survival even until the very end. During her last days when she could no longer talk, and she couldn't even have strength to close her eyelids..She's also starting to see things.. It was really heartbreaking. Don't know if it affects her, but a few days before she left, I told her, "Ah ma, your life has been good so far, nothing for you to worry anymore..."

Gonna visit her later~ :)